I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
