Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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