Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
