I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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