Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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