Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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