Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
