There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
