I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
