i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
