I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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