Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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