I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We are all done wearing pants today
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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