Umm I'm too high to move.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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