he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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