she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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