You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
