ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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