He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
