if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
