If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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