Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
