my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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