Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
