so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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