you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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