somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
