Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
