so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
