i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Dear god my vagina.
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