I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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