She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
