if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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