Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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