ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
