I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
