her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
