Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
