i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
