Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
