All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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