upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
