you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
God, I missed his penis.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
