Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
