I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
