I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
