life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
