I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
