I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
