Having a random hookup so left but love u
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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