I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
