Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
