I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
