her facebook's as public as her vagina
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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